Friday, July 15, 2005

The Mansel Report: Dispatch From West Virginia

As you the Mansel Report reader are keenly aware of what is going on in the world of politics and especially right-wing rhetoric, Bernard Goldberg appeared on the Jon Stewart show recently and espoused his brand of conservative darkness, i.e., all liberals are what is wrong with the country. Keeping all this in mind I asked the Mansel Report’s resident chief analyst for his reaction to the appearance by Goldberg. So fresh from his fortified bunker in West Virginia, ladies and gentlemen…Bob Kincaid.

Beginning of transmission:


Try this one on for size:

Before you read any further into this essay, I’d like for you to do two things.
First, go here and watch Jon Stewart’s interview with Bernie Goldberg, compiler of a recent tome (I use the word ‘tome’ mainly because it starts with the same letter as ‘turd’) that declares once and for all what’s wrong with America and who’s responsible for what’s wrong with America. Interestingly enough, 97 out of 100 of America’s worst human beings just happen to be . . . wait for it . . . LIBERALS!!!!!!!!

How Bernie Goldberg ever worked up the stones to go mano a mano with Jon Stewart, I’ll never know. Maybe he’s taken to reading his own press: how he’s “hard-nosed” and “hard-hitting” and “curmudgeonly,” and all the myriad other things PR flacks are paid to say about no-account whores from the ex-journalism tour who write books that are bought by people who are mostly ex-readers.

But I digress. I really DO want you to see that interview. But, having watched the interview, I should like very much for you to read this story

Done yet? Gooooooooood.

So, let’s review:

Bernie Goldberg says Al Franken is a greater threat to America than George Bush. OK, bad example since, given a free and open forum for debate, Al could whip Dim Son like a borrowed mule (sorry, PETA). How about a greater threat to America than Osama bin Forgotten? Yes. Really. Bernie Goldberg thinks that; thinks Al Franken is worse for America than a 6-foot-6 Arab with a portable dialysis machine whom the CIA can’t find, who figured out a way to fly jumbo jets into our biggest buildings and killed 3,000 people. Thinks that. Believes that with all of whatever replaced the spot where his beating, human heart used to be.

But of course, the acolytes of Phlush Phlegmball are still as certain as they are of their own eternal salvation that the LIBERALS are the wackos. And at the VERY SAME TIME that Jeb Bush had the best minds of his administration trying to figure out how to shove a garden hose back into Terri Schiavo, one of his fellow Floridians was pummeling his three year old son for being queer. Really. At roughly the same time a year ago that Jeb Bush was working up a good-ol-fashioned GiveAPoliticalDamn about Terri Schiavo, somewhere in that God-forsaken semi-tropical hellhole that is Repiglican-controlled Florida, a 21 year old man beat his 3 year old son TO DEATH because he was afraid the little feller might turn out to be a FAGGOT. Beat the little guy until he was vomitting and both sides of his brain were coalescing into the jello-o state. Because he was afraid he had a QUEER three year-old, and damned sure didn’t want a QUEER four-year-old.

Oh, hell. I don’t want to play in this game anymore!

But play we must, because the Eternally Saved Right, led by the Holiest of the Holy, the Southern Baptist Convention (which, you’ll remember, came into being because they didn’t want to be worshippin’ dear, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, whiter-than-a-bar-of-Ivory-Soap Jesus in the same building as a bunch of, well, you-know, “those” people) has declared that PANSIES are more dangerous to us than Osama bin Laden.

Let it seep in. Let it rattle around your skull. Repiglicans are more concerned about a couple of gay guys wanting to hold a wedding reception and buy real estate and have health care benefits than they are about GUYS WHO BEAT THEIR 3-YEAR-OLDS TO DEATH TO KEEP THEM FROM BEING ALL QUEER, n’ stuff!

You know who I need on this story? I need the Reverend Fred Phelps. I NEED to see the face of the Southern Baptist Convention on this case. I NEED to see the Good, Godly, Upstanding, Southern-baptist-ordained Reverend Fred march on Florida to declare that that little 3 year old feller is dead because God killed him for being a “driver down the ol’ dirt road.” I need to hear Reverend Fred explain to us all that God can spot a faggot from miles and years away, and had that little guy killed to keep him from spreading his faggotry later.

Y’know what’s sad? I give Fred Phelps about three more days before he does exactly what I’ve described, marching outside the courthouse where the trial’s going on in support of the infanticidal daddy. After that, the Reverend Fred and his minnions will picket an abortion clinic.
Which brings us back to Bernie Goldberg. He lives on the moral high ground, y’know.
Which is worse, Bernie? Babs Streisand and Al Franken, or Fred Phelps and some screwed up queer-hater in Florida? Which is worse, Bernie? Talking about the murderer you worship as President, or evil men in evil times who kill children for being FAGS before they know anything more than “I love my Daddy?”

I guess Bernie picked his list because if he’d done a list of conservatives and/or Repiglicans killing America it would’ve been thicker than the Oxford Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language. Instead of the magnifying glass they give you with the OED, though, Bernie’s book of Conservative, Repiglican Killers would’ve come with a scanning electron microscope, and that would’ve put the price point beyond most of his semi-literate readers.

End of transmission.

– Bob Kincaid

The Bob Kincaid Show is no longer on the air but is archived at
Bob's website is

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