Terror In The Campaign's Heartland

Louder than the explosion in New York today from a steam pipe bursting was the constant thungdering of hooves, once described as the hungry feet of th emedia thrusting themselves headlong into vast jars of hair jel and full length mirrors. It could be terrorism they all excitedily murmured, it could be, it could be! You could almost hear them cry out in ecstasy, "This is how Paula Zahn got her start at CNN!"

Wolf Blitzer on CNN stumbled over the words in his ear piece more than usual as information zoomed into the Situation Room at a snails pace as he quickened our pulse with a glorious wave of the papers in his hand not yet before seen since Edward R. Murrow removed his cigarette from his mouth at the beginning of each broadcast, and you just knew that somewhere a comatose Larry King would have to be shook awake and informed of his whereabouts and informed that no, Regis was not harmed and yes, he would have to peer endlessly into the camera and yes, Anderson Cooper would ask better questions.

But the only question anyone wanted to ask at Fox News was did the Clintons cause this? Somewhere over Newport, Rhode Island Joe Biden was informed and demanded the plane crash land near a television studio. Mitt Romney clutched his wife and begged her not to expose his early experiences with those zany Mormon hijinks and exploding toilets. Obama knew that this could be tied to his admitted drug abuse by the Fox Network and John Edwards wife refused to halt and interview where she was bashing Hillary Clinton when informed that people were in peril, but hey, it's a campaign and we should all play along, after all, we're only voters and only so many of us can live in New Hampshire and matter. So shut up and vote then get out of the way, I think I saw that on a bumper sticker next to Nixon's name once.


- Chris Mansel