Thursday, April 07, 2005

The Wal-Mart Tour of Historical Battle of Fayetteville

Tour Guide: “Thanks for paying a small fee to to Wal-Mart to tour the Historic Battle of Fayetteville site. Remember our motto: ‘Low Tour Prices . . . EVERYDAY!’ We’re glad you’ve come to share in our history here in Fayetteville. As you may have noted from reading the Historical Marker on the Courthouse Grounds, the Battle of Fayetteville marked the first usage of what came to be called “Indirect Firing.”

Tourist: “I saw that. Where did it take place?”

Guide: “Well, the artillery pieces were deployed back that way. See where that car’s turning? Yeah. Over there. Right about where the Automotive Center is? And they lobbed the shells right past Action Alley and they burst right here at Wal-Mart, between Infants and Intimate Apparel.”

Tourist: “Goodness me! Did anybody die?”

Guide: “Sure did. About 24 confederates died that day. They’re buried under the Pet Supplies. We’re not sure exactly where, but we think they’re pretty close to the Ol’ Sam’s Kitty Litter. A couple may be buried under the display for Ol’ Sam’s Weasel Wormer. We found some old lopped off bones sticking up through the concrete over next to the laxatives aisle. Several other people were wounded, and the Field Hospital, well, you can’t say Wal-Mart isn’t sensitive to historical areas like this! They made a special effort to put the Pharmacy right smack on top of where the Field Hospital was. Even put up a plaque. You can have your picture taken next to the cut-out of our Dear Founder, Sam Walton dressed up as a Civil War Sawbones at the end of the tour for a small fee, payable to Wal-Mart.”

Tourist: D’ya ever find any old bullets or stuff?

Guide: Sure do! We’ve got several on display in the Deadly Firearms Department. Remember our motto here at the Historic Battle of Fayetteville Wal-Mart MegaCenter and Civil War Historical Site: ‘Guns didn’t kill Confederates, Yankees killed Confederates!’ And every artifact we found is for sale, right here at your Friendly Wal-Mart Historical Exploitation Center! Bullets. Belt Plates, little scraps of human bone! If you can’t afford the real thing, we have replicas lovingly reproduced by Chinese Slave Laborers in the Factories of the Peoples Red Army! Wal-Mart’s proud to be partnered with the Chinese Peoples Red Army to bring you these stunningly accurate mementos of America’s fight for freedom! Like this! It’s a perfect replica of a human skull, complete with the holes where the minie ball entered and exitted. That’s a heck of an exit wound, huh? Bet HE sure had a headache that day! We also have American and Confederate flags painstakingly hand-sewn by little Chinese girls chained to their tables. That’s a necessary quality control measure. You know how fidgety seven year olds can get! Wantin’ to go to the bathroom all the time! Wantin’ to eat! Seven year olds can be sooooo silly!

Tourist: Can we buy the flags by the case?

Guide: You sure can! And remember: when you buy in bulk at Wal-Mart, the Chinese Peoples Red Army gets a little stronger with every purchase!

Tourist: Do you have any non-lethal firearm reproductions?

Guide: Sure we do! We’ve even got Union and Confederate cap muskets for the kiddies! They have a really LOUD sound, thanks to the highly realistic blanks we use. And every cap we sell was proudly made by Mrs. Tao’s Fourth Grade boys at the Wa-Kwo-Fung Elementary School and Smokeless Gunpowder Laboratory! Those little Fourth Graders do a real “bang-up” job, if you know what I mean!

Tourist: How about a souvenir for my boss? After all, he let me come on this vacation!

Guide: You betcha! Thanks to the expert craftsmanship of the political dissidents making 13 cents a day at the Shanghai Armory, you can take your boss a perfect miniature, working replica of a Howitzer Field Gun, just like the artillery used in the Historic Battle of Fayetteville. Like everything else in the store, it’s proudly marked “Made In China!” And it shoots real BBs! That way, if you ever try to join a union, he can do what the managers do here: point it at you, pull the lanyard and say “You’re fired!”

Now, if you’ll all move along, we’ll head over to the Historic Battle of Fayetteville In-store McDonald’s for some of our exclusive Chicken McMinie Balls and Indirect Fries! And if THAT doesn’t fill you up, you might want a McDonald’s All-American Apple Pie! It’s the only American thing in the WHOLE STORE!"

- Bob Kincaid

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