Gnawing The Brick Down To The Powder

The organizing class of the state of Maryland will now come to order the voice said through the loud speaker. A rustling of wing tip shoes and a sliding of folding chairs ring out through the large hall as Tucker Carlson takes the stage.

Tucker Carlson: Now you know that the democratic syphilis-like disease of inhumanity has stained the good name of America here and abroad…what we want to do here is to educate you on the finer points of political sabotage and to rid this earth of the Clinton. Now as much as we would like to just walk up behind them and do a good old’ double tap in the back of the head we can’t. We’re not Robert Novak, at least I’m not, and G. Gordon Liddy is in radio now and keeping his hands clean.

The crowd comes to order and laughs wickedly at Carlson’s remarks. NAMBLA brochures that were placed on each seat are browsed and the smoking lamp is lit. Outside in the foyer are booths set up from every major lobby in the country. Congressional leaders reek of liquor and several members of the Supreme Court are hidden behind bullet proof glass analyzing the pickings personally before anyone else, a kind of preview of sorts.

Tom Selleck takes the stage.

Tom Selleck: I just wanted to say that I appreciate the treatment I have gotten from those gathered and to say that I support the ruination of the Clinton as much as any of you. I was just talking to Sean Hannity the other day that as you know was attacked on The View by that knuckle-dragging lesbian Rosie O’Donnell, an immigrant name if I ever heard one, as I was when she still had a show, and Hannity said to me that we must use the open-mindedness of the liberal voter to our advantage. We must show them in some demonic way that a vote for the right is license to do as you want in this administration. (applause) A vote for the right is the pleasure in knowing you won’t be indicted by judges that we appoint. (applause) You will be rewarded in the private sector for what you do in the public sector. (applause) So I say to you today that I support the ruination of the Clinton. Thanks so much.


To be continued


- Chris Mansel