Thursday, March 30, 2006

Beltway Hostels

As Tucker Carlson loosens his tie, as Bill O’Reilly in his dressing room hovers over the hot plate cooking up a new batch of falafel’s, as Paula Zahn spreads her make-up across the mirror in her car while performing an unnatural act and television crews the world over open the first of what will be several cold beers the President of the United States curses loudly and stumbles over to the television to change the channel having lost the remote for the third time that day.
Earlier in the day the President remarked to a crowd of onlookers who were touring the White House, the president having wandered into their group, the president remarked, “Why in the hell are there so many Mexicans protesting in France?” The White House tour guide attempts some apologies to the group as aides pull the president back into a narrow hallway and the day continues as before.

- Chris Mansel

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Warlord Charles Taylor Arrested

At 3:59 am the Associated Press International is reporting that Charles Taylor has been found and arrested in Nigeria. It was reported today that President Bush would not meet with the Nigerian President unless Taylor was found so you can surmise that the meeting will take place and that oil will be discussed and that the violence and death will be brushed aside at least in private.

- Chris Mansel

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Andrew Card's resignation

The real reason for Andrew Card’s resignation is a complicated story. It involves a paternity lawsuit between Ken Mehlman and Ann Coulter, the fact that Andrew Card was having an affair with Ken Mehlman according to phone records. The ever controversial Ann Coulter’s sexuality can be tied to the 27th anniversary today of the incident at Three Mile Island. Karl Rove upon learning the truth headed back up to the situation room to watch online several webcams of the devastation in New Orleans while swilling a beer.

- Chris Mansel

Tuesday Follies, March 28, 2006

In a week that saw Supreme Court justice made an obscene gesture in Boston, a week that saw Lou Dobbs condemning protestors for protesting on Caesar Chavez day. Pat Robertson may soon announce that he has tried to hire snipers to take random shots at protestors in Los Angeles.

It is released that the parents of former Iraqi hostage hid that their Christian son was gay. This item hit the wires from Planetout Network and is not being discussed in the mainstream media. Parents ashamed of their son by not discussing his sexual preference while boasting of his religious beliefs.

On a day, which saw, protests around the country and even in Boston, Massachusetts it is interesting to note that the U.S. Immigration office in Boston was closed today to be re-painted, it is interesting to note also that while you are protesting if you change your mind to enter the country legally or to request to apply for citizenship you must wait until the paint dries.

- Chris Mansel

Monday, March 27, 2006

The Tracks Are To The Train as The Hole Is To The Shovel

“Most maggots will bury themselves in the soil.”

- Jessica Snyder Sachs

“We all fat creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for maggots. Your fat king and your lean beggar is but variable service- two dishes, but to one table. That’s the end.”

- Hamlet (Act 4, Scene 3)

An unspoken about facet in the putrefaction process is the ability of the republican candidate to speak to a crowd of onlookers and to shrivel the truth down to its most incessant form of decay. Take a photograph of a victim in Kabul and hold it up to the mirror and what do you see? The candidate may see peace on the upswing, but I see a father or a son, a soldier or an activist.
I would like to think that the republican candidate truly believes he sees peace in the photograph but deep down I think he knows the honesty in the image. Politics is a game of one up man’s ship to a degree of causalities, hearings, photo ops and the kind of hatred that will level a village on the other side of the earth to prove an individuals place at the fictional table.
A supposed conversation:

Citizen/Aide: Congressman you must not elevate the level of discourse that now exists in the House.

Congressman: You think I shouldn’t comment on the item in the news that says that bodies won’t be stacked up in the streets of Iraq if we stay in Iraq, but if we pull out anarchy will break out?

Citizen/Aide: Yes sir.

Congressman: You don’t think anarchy has already broken out in Baghdad?

Citizen/Aide: With all due respect sir of course it has.

Congressman: I know it has. We captured a ruthless dictator that was hand delivered to us by his own troops and since then we have managed to drain an entire oil rich country of its natural resources, we have fueled and or created a need for terrorists in a country that hate the very existence of suicide bombers.

Citizen/Aide: But sir…

Congressman: This democracy of ours is set up to fail, without our failure the rest of the world cannot remind us constantly of our worth.”

And so the business of a country, an economy, a judicial system and the contents of a congressman’s heart are due to the fact that the glass is not half empty or half full, the glass is not a glass. Who is the formidable adversary in the room? Greed.

- Chris Mansel

Saturday, March 25, 2006

The Medici Having Strung the Bow With the Intestines of the Weak...

If you stretch humor to its very end you will find sorrow staring back at you with an unnerving glare that will find you ashamed and alone in the room. To take the affairs of the government with a nudge and a grin is to take your life and the lives of those around you with neglect and scorn. Take Hurricane Katrina for example. The water has receded but the tragedy continues.
Our government has found it prudent to extend reimbursement and waivers and guidance on where to stay. Here is the link. But before you go to the link keep in mind that the victims of Hurricane Katrina had to wait, wait for what seemed an eternity for any help at all. But let’s celebrate that those who work for the government can be reimbursed. God bless America, let’s all sing.

A quote to look for:

“As a result of the catastrophic destruction caused by Hurricane Katrina, agencies should consider delaying all non-essential TDY and relocation to the affected locations for a period of 90 days. This is especially important with relocation travel because the 120-day maximum for TQSE cannot be extended due to statutory restrictions.”

I wonder how the victims of Hurricane Katrina would feel to know that the government employees who visit the area could spend how they wish because they will be reimbursed. Meanwhile the victims having depleted the meager funds allowed to them are scraping together whatever they can to survive. We are going to tear down your house so please fill in the right forms and get them into us by the end of business Friday? The teeth of the nation are embroiled in the regurgitation of an uncaring and unfeeling seat of power.

- Chris Mansel

Thursday, March 23, 2006

A Tribute To The Late Comic Mitch Hedberg

I went to a press conference the other day. At least I think it was a press conference cause there were a lot of people standing around. I was in the White House after all so I figured what the hell…ask some questions.
Here are some of the questions I asked.

Why do they call it a pressroom when everybody sits in different chairs?

Does it bother anyone that you all went to college to ask questions of people with the name Bush and Dick?

If the President choked on a pretzel does that mean he could deep throat a Scooby snack? Everybody knows that Scooby snacks are smaller. Bush has had us all in the mystery machine for years…now it makes sense.

Why are all of you in the press reporting that Bush’s approval ratings are low? Why don’t you look on the bright side? His disapproval ratings are going through the roof. Be positive.

- Chris Mansel

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

A Historic Win In Florence, Alabama

A Historic Win In Florence, Alabama

An historic win in District One in Florence, Alabama for the Democratic Party, Tammy Irons unofficially carried sixty-one percent of the vote. A message from Tammy Irons from her site,,

"Twice now Republicans outside of our area have come into Florence for the purpose of attempting to influence the outcome of the special election to be held this Tuesday for State Representative, District 1. Several months ago, the Montgomery Republicans attempted to get other Republicans to run against my opponent, William Smith, and ultimately against me in the general election. This attempt failed. Now, this week, at the 11th hour, the Republican Party of Birmingham (as authorized by my opponent) bankrolled a negative mass mail out to voters in District 1 falsely stating my position on certain issues. The truth is that the Republicans of Birmingham have no clue as to my position on the issues."

Appearing on WHNT tonight, a local news channel, Irons responded, "I am proud of the positive campaign I ran. I am glad I won this election on my merits and not someone else's demerit." Visiting the political headquarters of Tammy Irons with my daughter I was glad to see the smiling faces of many I grew up knowing. I saw Tammy's parents smiling and hopeful, I saw Mayor Bobby Irons and his wife arrive. Tammy who was very busy welcoming and thanking those present for their support to take a few minutes to greet my young daughter and to encourage her to think politically about the world around her.
It's a great day for the Democratic Party and for Alabama women in politics.
Irons is the first woman to win the position of State Representative in District One.

- Chris Mansel

The Tuesday Evening Follies for the Bob Kincaid Show

Bush met Jason McElwain as you know but what you don’t know about is the phone call Bush made to the young man from Air Force One. Bush asked Jason, “Jason, you like to watch movies about gladiators?”

Also in the news the British Parliament is up in arms over the little known fact that young kids in Britain are learning two important words from the news coming out of Iraq and they are seeking to censor it. The two words, Occupying Force. School kids in Britain are beginning to ask questions about Ireland.

It has been decided in the Bush administration that it will take a miracle to raise Bush’s opinion polls so starting tomorrow on the Fox Network Laura Bush, whose approval ratings are through the roof, will begin appearing to model her latest piercings and tattoos.

Trent Lott is back in the news and plans to introduce legislation to overturn the 14 amendment to stir controversy away from Roe V Wade.

There is a rumor that if you play the International backwards you get the Texas University fight song.

Upon hearing that Condi Rice has jokingly mentioned hoping to run the National Football League someday or a run for the White House, The Mansel Report would like to ask football fans the world over to please accept Condi Rice as the new commissioner of the NFL. Sure you’ll lose your Sundays to halftime shows of shopping for shoes while statistics of the killed, maimed and wounded roll across the bottom of your screen but think of her in the White House, as your commander in chief, and I think maybe you can make the sacrifice.

- Chris Mansel

Monday, March 20, 2006

The Victim's Act of 1910

I was in the Appalachians when the mud ran down the hill
I was an unwed black mother who couldn’t get served the pill
I was the wheel that turned the free press in a communist jail
I was the hammer, the sickle I was Jonah in the whale
I jumped at the crash and flew when the towers fell

I was the lion who tore the Christians from the promise land
I was in the way a woman stood over the grave of her man
I was the child of the strikers my hungry face so tanned
I wore the Vietnamese, Korean, German and Iraqi brand
I was a soldier in a wheelchair turned away from the reviewing stand

From Homer Bigart to Oscar Shindler I was the people’s roar
I was the politician who kissed a baby and laid him on the floor
I dropped the bomb on Hiroshima and then I called it war
I was a drunken abusive father with a pistol in the drawer
I swallowed the barrel when I couldn’t take it anymore


I’m leaving this earth I’m going down
Back where I came from upside down
With a hatchet and a cloven hood
I was the worst where better stood

- Chris Mansel

Friday, March 17, 2006

Pancake Day

Crawford, Texas runs along its axle and doesn’t mind the silence of motorcades and the screaming at four a.m. from the Bush residence. They go about their days skipping over the drunken bodies of secret service agents assigned to watch this sleepy Texas backwater for spies, terrorists, and scofflaws of extremism.
Meanwhile in another backwater, this time in Alabama, the city of Florence is preparing for breakfast food. There is movement in this backwater, there are no secret service men and the drunks don’t get DUI’s, they just serve up the public and return to their old money which never seems to mildew despite the foul odor that emits from their wakes.
The city fathers are gathering to assign whom of the old money crowd can pass onto the do withouts, the poor the pancakes on Pancake Day. The local Kiwanis Club which is another language for we do charity to be seen, not for good. In the local coliseum the do well’s or as William S. Burroughs once called them, “The Shits” are setting up tables and networking. Looking around the room at all of those they have slept with and those they have screwed the do well’s prepare to serve the public and speak in a loud voice, to slap backs and generally talk to their own, on the sides of the room organizations set up booths to hand out literature and network.
Passing by the coliseum are the people who work for the do well’s. They try to eat their breakfast while they drive and curse themselves for not buying gas on the way home the night before. The smell of pancakes doesn’t seem to linger farther than the door of the coliseum.

- Chris Mansel

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Stars and Stripes Flying Upside Down (Past Recollection Recorded)

Mr. Mansel we here at the NSA have monitored your blog and have noticed that you have a grave dislike for the present administration.

Mansel: Yes, I fully admit it. I find this administration to be of grave consequences to the state of our nation.

Explain to us Mr. Mansel why you feel this way.

Mansel: You have the text in front of you I assume; it’s all there.

Mr. Mansel first we would like to explain that while what you say is protected under the first amendment of the constitution what is however not protected is your intent in this time of war.

Mansel: My intent is to utilize my concern in the form of dissent. Dissent in the way my country went to war illegally.

Mr. Mansel are you now or have you ever been an attorney?

Mansel: Let me say out of risk of life, internment and limb that your method of questioning is just about the worst I have seen or heard.

You have made mention of your use of satire, however in this satire you have detailed actual conversations that have taken place in the oval office.

Mansel: You know I had a feeling I was right about that; it gave me the chills. But wait how would you know this unless you bugged the oval office?

Mr. Mansel did you sign a petition at the University of Alabama some years ago for a communist publishing house?

Mansel: No, I gave them my address so they could send me information through the mail, information that again is protected.

Sadistic literature is what you are defending?

Mansel: You haven’t done your homework yet again. I never received any information through the mail. All I received was a phone call, two if I remember correctly from a young lady attempting to sell me books they had published. During the second call she expressed her annoyance of me not purchasing any of their books.

Did you attend a political rally in Atlanta, Georgia during the Democratic convention in 1988 and at this same rally did you meet dissident Timothy Leary?

Mansel: Yes I did. I attended with a friend and we ate a plate of vegetables and sat next to Ron Paul the leader of Norml, the organization to legalize marijuana. Yes I did meet Timothy Leary and he shook my hand. He autographed my book and after his brief talk my friend and I left and went home.

So you openly admit with conversing with an ex-con, a political dissident?

Mansel: Yes. But I would like to get back to your possible secret taping of the oval office. You know Lou Dobbs said today on CNN that this administration is experiencing Nixonian numbers in approval ratings. Lou Dobbs is one of your guys right?

The line went dead; the room became empty.

- Chris Mansel

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Fear Harbor

The Centennial Edition (1891-1991) of Blacks Law Dictionary defines fear as,

Fear – Apprenhension of harm; dread; consciousness of approaching danger. Mental response to threat. Profound reverence and awe.

Within Hobbs Act extortion definition, includes fear of economic loss as well as of physical harm.

The Bush administration has focused their strength on the role of fear in a system of government that up to six years ago could have been described as democracy. The fueling of hatred in the Middle East, the overtly black ops version of monitoring the communications of its citizens and the disbelief of other members of government at their lack of support for an illegal war.

Harbor – A haven, or a space of deep water so sheltered by the adjacent land and surroundings as to afford a safe anchorage for ships. A port or haven for ships; a sheltered place, natural or artificial, on the coast of a sea, lake, or other body of water. A place of security and comfort; a refuge.

“Safe anchorage of ships,” the safety of said ships could very well be compromised by the offloading of chemical irritants let in by a hostile force working inside the government of Dubai, the same government that would control our borders.

Below is a quote from The Washington Post,

“DP World officials suggested yesterday that within days, Peninsular & Oriental's operations will belong to them, no matter what Congress does.”

Selling the borders of our country for a pound of flesh that could very well be scared by terrorism. You have to wonder of the back room dealing going on during this period of forty-five days. Hearing to argue whether or not to hand over our borders to a nation who has done business with terrorists? These back room dealing, threats of extortion perhaps this close to the midterm elections? All of this will be public record eventually.

- Chris Mansel

Monday, March 06, 2006

10 Doctors Killed In Iraq

10 Aug 2005
Karbala (SA) - Unidentified gunmen ambushed a group of doctors on their way to help at hospitals, west of Baghdad, killing 10 of them, said medical sources on Wednesday.
The sources said the physicians were travelling to the city of Ramadi when armed men intercepted their vehicle on Tuesday evening.
The sources said among the victims, were Dr Youssef Alewi and two of his assistants from the Karbala health department, in north Iraq.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Panic Disperse

The conventions of Geneva must sound like a musical piece composed of loud horns blaring in at a New York stop light to an Iraqi insurgent. When they watched CNN International and saw the Katrina crisis what would have they thought about the rapes in the Superdome, the victims of the disaster turning on one another? Imagine you are an Iraqi child watching a tank roll by with soldiers walking by and a reporter sticks a camera in your face and asks questions in a language you don’t understand.

Illustrate to an immigrant

“We’ve got good Intel of inhuman acts in this village. Locked and loaded.”

“Soldier here, I have purple finger, I am one of you. America. America.”

“While I was in Iraq I was embedded with a company of Special Forces and for those twenty days I saw hell.”

The evacuate

The recoil of

“Mr. Secretary would you describe this as a General’s war?”

“No Senator I don’t believe I would and I resent that implication. You see what we have here is a bunch of people running around blowing up roads, shooting into convoys…”

a father The impact of a grenade

A roadside installation
“Hang two litters of blood, he’s got shrapnel in his abdomen, shit he’s bleeding out.”

“Why are you doing this? Who are you to shoot a child? Tell you’re President not to come here.”

Democracy can’t happen to me, not here, not now

Exploding on the canvas

Stamped Made in America

- Chris Mansel

Friday, March 03, 2006

Obituary of a POW

My body was lost somewhere in the blue of the flag
Riding silent on a passenger plane like a gut shot stag
Tears falling over me somewhere in a terminal chair
Leaving Afghanistan my soul was frozen in the glare

I was a coalition force asleep in the arms of the Taliban
An envoy of force impaled in a land I didn’t understand
Abu Ghraid was the reason they broke all of my bones
My government couldn’t have left me more alone

When I lost the light in the room, before I started to die
I felt something moving slowly across my closed eyes
I saw a Shia sunrise over a spilt open electrical cord
I thought I heard America The Beautiful miss a chord

- Chris Mansel